| Here in New York I have finally comeby,
uniting with those whom I once said goodbye.
No guarantee, no promise, just a catch of a sigh,
retrieves miles of memories I have left far behind.
Today I can come up with the perfect reply:
Beautiful Nodlands, thanks for being so kind.
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| IF THERE ARE ANY HEAVENS MY MOTHER WILL
- EE Cummings
If there are any heavens my mother will(all by herself)have
one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor
a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but
it will be a heaven of blackred roses
my father will be(deep like a rose
tall like a rose)
standing near my
(swaying over her
silent)
with eyes which are really petals and see
nothing with the face of a poet really which
is a flower and not a face with
hands
which whisper
This is my beloved my
(suddenly in sunlight
he will bow,
& the whole garden will bow) |
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| Mama, I got the job. I got it. How proud you would have been. How many
hugs and kisses you would have given me. Why do I have to be left with
just a memory of you and traces of your belongings? Everyone speaks of
you, Mom. Everyone speaks of your accomplishments and what a beautiful
human being you are. I never said a word, I hardly shed any tears.
I sit quietly at your desk, tidying your files, smiling at the piles of
greeting cards you prepared to give out, listening to your rockin'
canto music and sighing at the notes we leave each other at our
bedsides. I can still smell the scents of your La Prairie cream, feel
the enjoyable roughness of your hands and see the bright yellow smile
slightly stained by your years of cigar-smoking.
I don't feel the need to say much about your accomplishments or what
you're good at. Nineteen years of holding my hand as I walk along the
first steps of life says it all: elbows always absent from the table,
both hands must be present. Food must be cleared from your bowl, water
should only be sipped (not gulped). Scissors should never be handed to
others by the sharp edge, slippers must always be worn. Showers must be
taken daily, teeth must be brushed day and night. The right china must
be used, no excuses otherwise! Elders must be greeted by "Uncle" or
"Auntie", a smile should always hang on your face. Choose your friends
wisely, don't tell them all your secrets. Most important of all, family
should always be respected and loved, there is no one else in life you
can rely on more.
For you, rigid rules come with flexibility. Late night returns are fine
but you must be punctual according to the promised time. Panadol and
luke warm water is always served when your night's gone a little too
far. Chips and chocolates are a bonus, only in moderate amounts.
Surprise pocket-money will be waiting by your bedside, only if you've
been good. When I say no to buying you things the first time, it
doesn't mean I will say no the fifth time. Travelling is a blessing and
is wise money to invest in. Dating is fine no matter what race he is,
how ugly he is...as long as he loves you, I will love him. Buy me
Astro-Boy, and I may say yes to more things than I initially intended
to.
Your death is also a lesson you're teaching me, one that you've always
been trying to pass on. Independence. No more whining about cleaning up
my room because no one is there to tell me to. No more screaming when
I'm locked in the bathroom with a flying roach, Mama won't be here to
rescue me when Dad's cozily snoring. No more begging for more
allowance, a skill I learnt to master by posing with my BEST
princess-smile. No more bag-shopping, something that I have never done
in my life (Mom always picks the best bags for me). No more late-night
gossip in the bathroom with the radio playing, something I always
missed when I'm in Boston. No more playing with Mom's new make up, she
won't buy any more. No more cutsie text messages when I'm low, Mom was
always able to sense it even when we're thousands of miles away.
I tagged along your Mr. Asia rehearsals, just to catch an extra glimpse
of the cute one. I loved standing at the HKFDA booth, it made me feel
like part of the team. Watching you giving speeches at seminars made me
dream of becoming you. Handing you flowers on stage at fashion shows is
the best; I get to see how desperate the models are clinging on
to you for attention and how radiantly you glow.
Everyone misses the wonderful talent of Hong Kong, the loyal friend
they always turn to when their children are not behaving, the kind boss
who defends them when Dad condemns them.
And me, I miss my mother, my inspirtation, my muse, my role model, my partner-in-crime, my friend, my all. My Rowena U.
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I love you Mom.
August 15, 1957 - February 5, 2006
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